I've never blogged much about my love life. Because I don't think there's a need to show on facebook, instagram or even on any social platform. And for the fact that I'm still married by LAW, the more I think, I shouldn't be showing anything, but I am signing my divorce letter next month so it wouldn't be a problem no more. And today I took up the courage to share the love life I am in for the past 2 years, and more.
I am in a fairyland after my marriage failed big time. I met this man who I love my entire life, Who shower me with love, in a special way which none ever showed me. He is fierce, impulsive, and even bad temper as well. But you know, he did all this because he cared, he loved. He just show it differently, at first I was thinking, how did I endure this long. Then to realise it was love that he gave me, he loved me whole heartily. Just that he loved me in a special way. I was at first given alot of doubt in the relationship we have, then we build up and came this far.
It was love that actually pull us this far, it was also love that make us apart. I don't know what went wrong, I been wondering for days, and night. been crying for day and night. And I asked myself, and realise yes, I loved this man here more than I love myself. We have so much memories, so much ups and downs, but we overcome everything. But this time, I didn't know how to fight for the love I wanted anymore. I know you might come here to read, or you might not. But if you're reading, I am gonna tell you how I felt...
I been missing you so badly, day and night. Waiting by the door hoping you will appear back again like how you usually did. But it's been a week, and it never happen. I am living my life in denial hoping everything was just a dream. I wanted to text you tell you how much I wanted you back, but part of me afraid it annoy you much, so I didn't. I don't know if you missed me like how I did, but you know I didn't know how hurt it is, till you walked out of that door, and hugged me. I realise this time I am really losing you. I don't know how long will the pain bring me to. But as far as I know, I am still hurting, and crying hard. Yearning for your return, I didn't know loving someone would kill me this hard. But eventually it did.
I have thoughts of ending my life, but to think again, I can't be selfish I have to live for the girls, I tell myself to wake up, and everything will be alright, but you know, it was all lie. I am never okay, I tried to be myself, be the one you changed. But I can't anymore, you took back what belong to me. Even the smile, I have is no longer in my face. You could tell, it was all hidden under it.
Did you forget about how much we have build to came this far? I was afraid someone will replace me, someone will make you forget who am I. How did I make your life different. I am afraid that you will just disappear someday, and everything is not even possible again. I have so much of fear in me. The fear of losing you completely scared me. Perhaps, you didn't know, I am fighting daily to live, fighting daily to smile. But its always a full stop on the fighting. I am fighting for the love I want.
I am hoping for your return everyday, and time is ticking so slow that I barely could take it, many time I wished that I will not wake up from my beauty dream, I dream you turned back to me, and we hugged so tightly. It's so real that I wish I could sleep forever. There's time I woke up w tears in my eyes, because I have a nightmare. You probably didn't know how hard I am going through now. I guess you ain't feeling good either right?
I know, you didn't show. But the night before we parted. I know part of you still love me, but part of you wish to have the fresh air for awhile. Today, I am still waiting for your return, as much as I hate who am I now. I hate begging you, I hate putting down my pride. But for you, I will give up everything. I want you to know. I still love you...
And somewhere out there, I am hoping for you return, to make us continue the love we have...
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